Some Partnering Tips for Distance Mentoring

• Take it slower.
  Know that it will take time. Allow your mentoring relationship to grow at a slower rate than you might with someone you can easily meet with face to face. In the beginning stages, don't expect more from your mentor or mentee than a strong commitment to work with you to develop your partnership.



• Commitment is imperative!
  Okay, here's where the pedal meets the metal. As in all mentoring relationships, a strong commitment is imperative. But it is even more necessary in a distance relationship, because it's what will get you through the weeks or months of establishing a solid bond. And this leads us to our next point . . . .



• Creating and signing of the initial contract is especially important.
  We recommend having a signed document. We recommend this for all mentoring partnerships, but it is even more important in a distance mentoring relationship. This contract should define explicitly the areas that may often be called into question: What is our level of commitment? When should we meet? How long, and how often should we meet? What are we comfortable talking about? What goals do we want to set? Add any other areas you think need defining. Keep the document up to date. It will go a long way to help you organize your meetings, keep you on track, and keep the commitment fresh.





• Establish a relationship before anything else:
  The first order of business for any mentoring partnership is to develop the human relationship first. People need trust, familiarity, and comfort to feel open to both giving and receiving feedback and advice. Some good first steps are:



• Exchanging pictures—it really helps to know what the person on the other end of the phone or computer looks like.



• Sharing personal data (within agreed-upon boundaries)—the more you learn about a person's life outside of the single dimension you may know of him or her, the more you can develop a bond. Here's a tip: Keep a cheat sheet of your partner's personal and organizational information handy. That way, the information will stay fresh in your mind.



• Using Myers-Briggs or a similar instrument to spur discussion—if you're lucky to have already taken one of these personality or preference inventories, share it with your partner. It's best if you've both taken the same assessment. Compare your answers and discuss how the knowledge about your "type" can help you to work at an optimal level with your partner.






• Sharpen sensitivity to tone of voice.
  Because there is little face-to-face contact in a distance relationship, you must hear with your ears what you can't see with your eyes. (It's been said that we have two ears and only one mouth so that we might hear more and speak less.)



• Listen to subtle nuances in tone and pace of speech. Get to know the usual pattern of your partner's speech and when and why it changes. If in doubt, ASK. Say something like, "I noticed when we started talking about this subject, your voice got much quieter. I'm wondering if there's something about this subject that's bothering you."



• Watch what you say! Just as you need to be vigilant about paying attention to your partner's tone, it is also very important that you think about the tone you use and how it may be interpreted, or misinterpreted. Feedback needs to be very specific and delivered carefully. The admonition, "That behavior is not helpful," can mean different things depending on the emphasis placed on each word. Try saying the sentence to yourself, stressing each of the main words differently. Thus "that behavior" means something different from "that behavior." Use your voice to say what you mean, clearly.



• When writing, use the tools available to you to clarify your message. (Underline, bold, italicize.) A message in all caps appears as if you are shouting at the reader. On the other hand, no caps at all may appear as if you didn't care enough to write the thought out properly.



• Check for understanding and reactions. Because of all this possible misinterpretation, it becomes vitally important to check not only that your partner has understood your message, but to check for reactions to the message. You can do this easily by saying something like, "It sounds like you are uncomfortable with. . . ," or "What do you think about what I've just said?" or "I'd like to check that we're in agreement, so can you tell me in your own words what we've decided would be a good next step?"


• Eliminate distractions.
  Because you will be doing the bulk of your meetings on the phone (or possibly through e-mail or other written medium), distractions will be inevitable. When you are meeting face to face with a partner, the rest of your team can see that you shouldn't be interrupted. When you are meeting by phone or computer, you appear to be an easier target to distract. Do what you have to in order to let those around you (and yourself) know that your mentoring time needs to be respected. To solve the problem of visual distraction and the temptation to continue doing work while on the phone, one woman I know turns her desk chair around and faces a blank wall when she's speaking to her long distance mentee.





• Use a common item as focus for discussion and growth.
  Many partnerships I've worked with have used books to spur discussion and learn together. It's a good bonding experience. Here are some examples:



• On Becoming a Leader by Warren Bennis



• Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey



• Getting Things Done by Kristine C. Brewer



You may also know of professional books or journals that would be helpful to your mentee's development.

Other media you can share include movies, business videos, and TV shows pertinent to issues you are working on. For instance, "The Karate Kid" is a great movie to spur discussion on coaching styles or phases of learning.


• Use an interoffice system or the Internet to share information of interest.
  Send each other memos, articles, and Web sites of interest.



• Arrange site visits at least twice a year if at all possible.
  There is still no substitute for a face-to-face meeting. Those who are involved in distance mentoring always report that their relationships took on a whole new depth after having the chance to meet in person. Find excuses to meet. Look for business reasons to be in the same city; if these reasons don't exist, try talking your boss into sending you to meet with your partner, just because it's one of the best ways to speed up the development of a successful mentoring experience.



• Have purely social meetings on occasion.
  If you are lucky enough to be in the same town together for a day or two, schedule a regular mentoring meeting, then try to also schedule a social engagement as well—a sporting event, dinner, sightseeing, shopping, or even just a coffee break. The relaxed atmosphere will go a long way toward bonding your relationship.



• Utilizing an agenda is more critical.
  Staying on track and focused on the needs of the mentee is even harder by phone or e-mail than in person. Make sure you have an agenda to follow for each meeting.





• Mentor takes ownership in the beginning, turns over to mentee after first year.
  This is a generally good idea for all mentoring relationships. Often, the mentee can feel shy and reluctant at first to request what he or she needs from the mentor. In a distance partnership, this may be more exaggerated because of the more formal nature of the meetings. The mentor should take the lead in making sure the contract between the mentor and the mentee is adhered to. The mentor may even have to initiate many of the early contacts.



• Summarize at end of meetings.
  This is an excellent technique to use at any meeting, and especially important for a meeting in which you can't see each other. To make sure each partner leaves the meeting with the same understanding of what has transpired, what each must do next, when the next meeting will be, etc., get in the habit of summing up all this information in the last few minutes of your meeting time. You'll be amazed how many times you'll catch a possible misunderstanding before it has a chance to do any damage.



• Celebrate successes!
  You've worked hard! Use whatever means you can to celebrate even the smallest successes. Notes, e-mail, small gifts, and even an extra phone call can all work as pleasant reminders that you are committed to this relationship and happy with the way it's going.

You are pioneers in the art of distance mentoring. Experiment, create what you need, and celebrate your accomplishments. Good luck!

Copyright © Barbara Rosen, January 2000